Two tone

I finished my book this morning the virgin blue I think it was very good, it was a great, Sad story from the women's perspective. It definitely made me want to cry in some parts of it. Tracy Chavlier has a great poetic voice, so that even with out lots of descriptions you can feel the pain of these two women. The main character, I got her. She is so like me in so many ways. That it is so easy to believe that most women feel like that. That their husbands don't always see them. And the fact that she doesn't feel like she fits inside her life, I completely understand, that is me. In everything I have ever written, poetry short stories, or the start of books, the main character is a female who is a trying to find the right path in life. Trying to find home, even if they have lived in the same place their whole entire lives. I feel like that, constantly, trying to find home. There are so many places I haven't been yet. How do I know where home could be, if I haven't set foot on that soil that just screams my name. "Anna, THIS IS IT, YOU FOUND ME, STAY HERE, I WILL KEEP YOU SAFE!" I have always thought that would be Ireland. My ancestors are all buried there, how can that not be home. That is my call to that land of green. I have always thought that is way I can tolerate rain, and cooler tempratures better than most people. Yet I have never been there. Strange that some place can pull you so much, and you have never been there. This place I live now, it is not home it is just where I am. Jake knows that, I think he feels like it is home for him. For now at least. I have never felt comfortable out here. I need to search, I need to wonder. Or I will miss my home.

I often feel homesick, when I am sitting in my living room. How strange. I am at home, my house is comfortable. Yet there are moments when I feel like crying. I long for home so much.

My book (the one I just read, not the one that is now lying dormant on my computer)has influenced my dreams, I had a strange sort of scary dream about my husbands granny, and one, of my ex-boyfriend last night. Strange that reading something can effect your psyche so much. I am so sick of my strange dreams, how a wake feeling tired. How I can't fall asleep the next night because I have been laying awake thinking of my dreams from the night before. Virgin blue, her dreams of her ancestor was always after sex. I know her feeling, when you lie with your man, and then these thoughts pop into your head when all you should be thinking of is him, lying next you, content. Both the women in the book kept small secrets from their husbands. I think we all do that. We shelter them from our thoughts, and think that is better for them. All it really does is push ourselves away from them. I think that is why there are so many divorces today. All these women holding private thoughts inside their heads, for who knows what reasons. Driving ourselves away from our husbands. Most the time they are so unaware of our inner turmoil. They just go about their business, until one day they come in, while you are putting the baby down for a nap. Just crying over your child's head, uncontrollably, yet quiet at the same time. Then they know, and every thing changes. The next day, life is normal. And you feel better. I just think it is strange how certain things can effect us so much, deep down. How a fictional story can hit you in places that real life can't. I guess it is because we live real life, and fiction, helps us remember events in our real lives, that our so like the story, it hurts.